the road to beautiful

…a journey of the heart – a fast experience – day fourteen

  • January 30, 2012 10:01 am
Saturday 01.28.12

Well I really had planned on posting more than I have during this fast.  First of all, it has been a crazy busy week, but also this week has been weird.  Still, God has shown me some cool things.

Let’s start with the weird.  I have been kind of emotional this week.  Not ridiculous, just kind of down off and on.  Not normal for me.  I had a nightmare on Monday and then another on Tuesday.  Also not normal for me.  When I woke up each night, I didn’t feel any lingering fear or dread (also weird after a nightmare).  I began to wonder if God wanted to show me something from these dreams.  Did the characters and events mean something?  I have found myself to be more and more hungry to hear God’s voice during this fast.  I just want Him to say something… anything.  I have heard and been lead by His voice many times, but I have never felt such a strong desire for it. I began asking Him if He was telling me something in these dreams.  For two days the only thing that kept repeating in my mind was, I’m listening to God.  If He has something to say, He doesn’t have to scare me or freak me out.  He’ll just say it. 

Darn right.

I have also felt some fear trying to very subtly creep back into my life.  (I had a lot of fear and rejection issues after my divorce that God removed from my life.)  After a couple days of this, God said, “The enemy is speaking rejection to you.”  I thought, So that’s why I’ve been feeling this way!  I’m thinking that maybe the nightmares and emotions were just an attempt at an attack from the sneaky enemy.   Newsflash… it didn’t work, and you don’t scare me.

Even with the weirdness, I have had a really deep peace.  As I said earlier, I have been very hungry for God’s voice.   He speaks to me in different ways –  sometimes He speaks directly to me, but most of the time I just get a sense. I call it a vibe.  I know it’s God, but sometimes I have trouble putting words to it.  Then I think to myself, If it’s God, why can’t I articulate what He’s telling me?  I’m reading Unveiled by Alan Smith.  In a chapter entitled The Importance of Hearing, he says, “God’s words, phrases, images, and impressions sort of emerge into my consciousness fully formed.  Then my brain has to unpack them into a linear sequence of words if I have any intention of writing them down or speaking them out loud to someone else.”  That makes so much sense to me!  Man, that made me feel better.

I often use prayer and listening to God as a kind of verbal journaling.  I ramble on and on, stop and listen, and ramble some more.  I talk about what’s going on and how I’m feeling and what not.  It helps me sort things out.  Most of the time I have to be very careful not to hog the conversation.  I find myself doing all the talking, and then stop, tell myself I should do better at listening, and ask, “What do You want to say to me?”  I know… I should always just start this way.  I’m learning.  About half of the time, when I do ask, I don’t hear anything specific.  So yesterday morning He told me that when He doesn’t speak, He’s listening.  Quality time!  It’s my love language!  He loves to hear me ramble on!  It was such an unexpected sweet moment in His presence.  It brought tears to my eyes.  It was very affirming.  God is just so cool.  He knows us in the deepest part of our hearts and loves us exactly how we need to be loved.

Leave a Reply